DigitalPaper

Chapter January, Mon 02 ‘12 

Dear Tumblr,

Happy new year. I’m still 20 y.o until next february. I’m still gloomy and negative. Yesterday was g8. You know I’m happy enough… But yah, sad at the same time. We set a lot of fireworks, and since the house is on the hill we could see all over the island down there. It was flooded by a fireworks all over the island, you could see the night sky turn to be very red, sometimes blue, sometimes yellow, green etc b’cos of the fireworks it self, and yah, smoke all over the places.
Many people laughing, sayin “happy nu year” to e’one. And me also laughing and very happy. It was the 1st time I saw such a lot of fireworks e’where. And I’m glad I’m still alive until this year.
Sounds so happy huh? Not really… I envy, like again? Yeah… I envy… To whom? To these people I celebrate with… To this family. I want one too (hell heynaaa u still not move on?! The answer is Yes….) You know how I feel after I saw them? Empty… Alone… And rejected. Disgusted about my self… And so dirty so I need to wash my self inside such a huge laundry and dry me to shine again, the thing is its impossible to wash ur self like a dirty cloth right?
So I realize I’m such a gloomy person, and a loner. Rejected by her own parents (mom) is hard for a teenager like me (hope teenager still suit me well) I will alw need my parents no matter how old I am… To lemme know which things right or went so wrong that I need to figured it out and fix it by my self. But life never goes as u pleased tho…
Love is patient, that’s what I learned from some books even internet, but not from my family. What I know is just a hatred, jealousy, talk behind, pain, suffering and all by my self… Super alone… The only one friend I have just my pets and God where I alw share things in the dark, cried in the corner. I know I go down so easy, I know I alw feel so negative… But how?
I just need someone who could tell me how lovable I am… How precious I am… But there isn’t one…. #sigh
And I’m tired of being sick you know… Really really tired… Surgery, blood test, meds… Everything just so B.O.R.I.N.G
The last time I went to the hospital, it makes me broke to my bone financially… And I hate to admit that now I am so sick! Like gosh! E’ moment of my life time people can alw see me at the hospital or bringing such a huge plastic bag full of medicine!!! FUCK IT.
So january… Please be nice…. Don’t let the embassy not issued my visa just b’cos of my family’s issues… That wasn’t my fault if my mom divorced with my dad, re-married couples times n lost my dad’s death certificate r8? Not my fault if my family is really are broken…
They should know how hard is it for me to go trough life…. My life….
I got nothing but God beside me… That’s what I understand…

Hello tumblr…

Its been a week in Manado. Many things happened. The 1st day I arrived at the house I stay, I immediately feels “yah… Its home”
Home, but just that its not for me. LOL
My heartache in everyday, bcs that I envy to them, to have this kind of “happy family”-air, while me… I never have one, u know even one chance never happened to me for having this kind of moment.
You see, there are Mother, Father, Big sister, Big brother and lil brother and one grandma, at the house. Everyday they are eating together, mother waking up the big brother and lil brother for eating. They are never fighting each other. The big sister is ald married, but u see… Even when she ald have 2 children, she’s still the mother’s 1st daughter in this family… She still can linger on her… Again, I never do that… Like it was so impossible for me and my mom to do that…
The house, full of pictures… The big sis, big bro, and lil bro pic… Ever since they are still a baby… Until they are all grown up, the pictures are set on the wall… All over the house. As for me… How can I have this kind of “picture all over the house” while I don’t even have a house…
They wake up in the morning, go to the shop they have. Big bro n lil bro, grandma, dad n mom, all of them go their shop, help each other. Even when they are at the shop, they are still laughing to each other… Still very kind n care to each other… Oh ya! Even at the shop, they have their pictures together… I honestly really envy…
I never have a picture together with my mom and dad… And sister and brother 2gthr. Even if I want to do it now… Its ald too late since my dad is ald passed away… The only one picture I have is when my mom n dad married… Even that, I believe I lost it ald… Huff~
Someone told me “one day u will have ur own family” I tell u what… Its very different… Bcs I want the family where I am the daughter in that family… Not as a mother…
In my eyes… They do really happy family… They celebrate Christmas together, everyday also together… I’m… Sick of jealousy…
I just want the same kind of family… :(
Every night my tears falling… Craving family so much…
Bcs at the end, I’m all alone… #sigh

I love u so much!

Dear my love of time,

I can be myself when I am with you. Your idea of romance is dim lights, soft music, and just the two of us. Because you make me feel like I have never felt before. I can tell you anything, and you won’t be shocked. Your undying faith is what keeps the flame of our love alive. You and me together, we can make magic. We’re a perfect match. Thinking of you fills me with a wonderful feeling. Your love gives me the feeling that the best is still ahead. You never give up on me, and that’s what keeps me going. You are simply irresistible. I love you because you bring the best out of me. I love your terrific sense of humor. Every time I look at you, my heart misses a beat. You’re the one who holds the key to my heart. You always say what I need to hear. You have taught me the true meaning of love. Love is, what you mean to me - and you mean everything. You are my theme for a dream. I have had the time of my life and I owe it all to you. And, of course, I love your intelligence, ‘cause you were smart enough to fall in love with me.

I’ll see you soon baby ♥

Love you always,
Heyna♥

To Rain

It’ll never be good…
Heaven’s doors closed…
Its dark yet so cold…
Pain on the back bone not as much as the pain I could feel inside…
Could you feel the solace in silence ?
Watching the fear frightened me deep down in my heart…
Like the drying dried tree..
Watching the leaves falls out one by one…
Left the broken roots, screaming for the little rain…
Just like somehow I wish I never grow old…
Knowing day after day I’m just growing in pain…
Saying said Love will never fail…
But how do I know it if I don’t even know what Love is…
Dear rain please come back again, so no one watching me cry under sunshine…

17th Nov 2011

Dear tumblr,

I got the msg in the morning. And its make my day enough. Well 2nd day in the hospital, nothing change… Still cannot sit cannot walk cannot move as much as I wanted.

Done the USG today, they said there’s nothing is wrong w/ my organs on my stomach. So its pure bcs of my back bone.

Nah, 2mrw the Bone specialist (call it that way yah) will taking care of me, my bone. I need to drink lots of calcium, and collagen, but the thing isssss there’s no AFC collagen in Ina like how I used to drink it when I was still in singapore. And I don’t like the others collagen -_-“””

The food in the hospital taste like a junk, much prefer KFC or McD mwahahahahaha. Yeah I miss those food. U know I’m happy enough to write here ever since I got none to talk to at this time.

Oh ya, another surprised! It was actually my junior high’s friends who took a bath of me todaayyyy woooww… Me super shy -_-” but can’t do anything T_T so I jez let them rub my body #cryinthecorner

I bleed a lot, coughing like I’ll die soon, well I’ll probably when I receive the bills from the hospital… At the end I’ll just feel numb -_-“

Okay well, seems like the medicine is working inside my body, I feel soooooooooo sleepy U_U
Its time to close my eyes I think.

So bai bai~ keep ya an update 2mrw later.

XoXo
HeyNa

16 Nov 2011

Dear tumblr,

Its quite weird now, it was like some days ago I came here for my sister go in the hospital because of the illness. And then today, right on 8 pm I’m in hurry go to the hospital emergency.

Yeah… Slipped and causing my lower back bone broken… Cannot do any surgery since it cause me blind. Pretty complicated huh?

Another things I hate from the hospital is… Its pretty expensive ! I almost spent like well around 10mill IDR for only 1st 2h in the hospital. Yeah really great to finish ur money in ur bank.

It would be boring days started from 2mrw… No games no vampire’s diaries uhh nothing fun… No cats… T_T

1st day, well cannot stand up cannot sit. Well then time to sleep now.

Bai bai ~

Xoxo
HeyNa

I wish I could turn back times and make e’things alright…

Dear My Andre~

I don’t think I have ever told you how I felt the first time we met. You were so cute and your deep warm eyes were so fascinating, I felt like I could lose myself in them.

I never use to believe in love at first sight, but that day when our eyes met, my heart raced and felt like it would burst out of my chest. It was like the home run feeling, that jump over the fence feeling. I was swept off my feet! And when you winked at me I felt like I couldn’t breathe, you kissed me and my knees suddenly went week. Immediately I fell in love. I knew then what love at first sight felt like; our eyes met and there was a connection, like a bond I felt uniting our heart. I have been in love since that day and still am. You will always be my boo and greatest love. You will always live in my heart, my mind, my soul for all eternity.

Love you always,

Bebii :)

When we first fell in love
I thought that nothing could compare
To the magical romance
That you and I had come to share.

But as time passed, feelings deepened,
And our closeness grew
The romance turned into
A real and lasting love with you.

You care for me in all the ways
I want and need so much.
I’ve felt your warmth and tenderness
With every word and touch.

I know I can depend on you
For support and honestly,
That patient understanding
That you always give to me.

There’s a special kind of happiness
That only love can bring,
And I’ve found that happiness with you beboo♥
You are my everything♥

-Bebii♥-